The Best of Days and the Worst of Days Today I w...

The Best of Days and the Worst of Days

Today I was given fabulous news from a client who was headed home with her new baby boy. A wonderful adoption story from a couple who had just lived through every adoptive couple's worst nightmare. Finally, they are parents of a newborn and are headed home to start life as a family.
Today I also heard the worst news from this couples former attorney who advised me that the baby they thought they were once going be raising to adulthood was just returned to his drug addict, birth mother.
The couple I'm sure does not know this news, and I will not be the one to divulge it to them. I am also sure that at some point they will hear about this.
Their story is unfortunately not uncommon in this country where the birth mother changed her mind after signing over her child for adoption. The couple lost thousands of dollars and were dragged into a court proceeding where they were villainized by a system bent on protecting the natural bond between parent and child, even if this bond is tainted with cocaine.
Birthmom was an addict during pregnancy and continued her addiction after the birth. Birthmom lied to a court of law and was rewarded instead of punished for her destructive behavior.

I grieve for this child. He enters a house full of second hand smoke, just waiting to taint his young lungs. The cocaine which he will have easy access to waits like patient lover to devour him and give him the comfort he will ultimately need to get from somewhere. The people in his life will mold his young mind into thinking that the only way to get through the day is with drugs . His mother's attitude of entitlement will shape his view of society wherein he will not be looking to give back, but take what he can. The two siblings he will share a home with are already tainted by their parentage. Their father is a felon recently released from prison after serving time for child molestation. Will this man be a part of this child's life as he visits with his children in the mother's home? this child has 4 half siblings who are located throughout the county with different guardians. Will he every have a relationship with any of these siblings? Should he? Child protective services is a regular caller at his mother's address, will he think such visits are a normal part of growing up?

Will he ever know a normal family life? We know he will never have a father, his birthmother has taken care of that. His birth father wants nothing to do with either of them and has a family of his own.

I celebrate for the child who has found a family. I grieve for the child who lost his family.

To the judge, the law guardian and all the players who failed that child,knowing his best interests would not be served; Shame on you. Shame on your system. Sleep well.

Adoption Nightmares/Scams Recently on Dr.Phil t...

Adoption Nightmares/Scams

Recently on Dr.Phil there was a two part series on adoption scams. After living through an adoption nightmare I never realized that this was such a common problem across the country. Couples who are interested in adopting a child are often seen by these scam artists as vulnerable prey. The decision to give a child up for adoption is not one which should be taken lightly and once that decision is made and funds are exchanged it should be difficult for the birth parent to change their mind. Many of these changes of heart result in only heartbreak for the adoptive parents and in many cases significant financial losses. Using the promise of a child or infant, a group of unsuspecting couples recently brought their story to the Dr. Phil show. The promise was really all that truly existed in that there never was a child available for adoption. The woman in question lied about her pregnant condition and kept in touch with a number of couples, promising them all the child at the end of the bogus pregnancy. In one case at least money changed hands and in many instances "gifts" were sent to this scam artist. Apparently this individual operated this scam for at least a 5 year period before anyone tried to expose her. It is unclear at this juncture whether or not criminal charges have finally been leveled against her, but at the time none of the parties had instituted same. Many of these women were told that the "baby" they would be adopting had in fact been lost in a miscarriage. The couples had already decorated nurseries; purchased baby clothes and generally committed themselves to a child that never existed. When did the wonderful concept of adoption turn into such a wonderful opportunity for fraud? In surfing the net it is apparent that there is a large group dedicated to the rights of the birth parent. The group purports to defend the rights of the poor birth parent whom they assume in any adoption situation has been taken advantage of by adoptive parents who have money to fight costly legal battles to keep a child in the event the mother changes her mind. In truth the judicial system bends over backwards for a natural parent and the "poor" birth mother is often given free legal representation while the adoptive parents spend thousands in legal fees.

Open Adoption Records; A Positive Change? The U....

Open Adoption Records; A Positive Change?

The U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that they will not stand in the way of adult adoptees receiving copies of their original birth certificates, complete with birth parent names. On June 12, 2000, the full U.S. Supreme Court denied a motion to stay a new Oregon law allowing adult adoptees to receive copies of their original birth certificates. Tenessee recently had joined the states of Alaska, Delaware, Oregon, and Alabama in allowing adult access to birth records.

What Does This Mean for the Adoptive Family?

Many of us who adopt have the fear that reconnection with birth relatives will damage our own relationships with our children. However, while there's little hard research about this, anecdotal evidence suggests that relationships in the adoptive family are actually strengthened when an adoptee searches with the adoptive parent's blessing and support.

Two adult adoptees that I know had very different ideas and experiences with regard to their birth families. One good friend of mine actually located her birth mother only to be rebuffed by her and asked not to contact her again. A relative of mine has confided in me that she never had to the need to search out her birth family and couldn't explain why she never had any desire to do so.

My daughter was not adopted in this country; therefore the above new laws will not apply to her. I have always said however, that if she wanted to travel to Russia to find out what she could, that I not only wouldn't stand in her way, but I would help her and travel with her. I like most other adoptive mothers I love my daughter as if I gave her life. She is and always will be a part of me. As with my older children and their new step mother, I do not worry that their love for me will be diminished. I am grateful that they have someone else in their lives who loves them. My only concern is that if my daughter does find her birth family that the experience is a positive one unlike my friend who discovered that "Mom" never wanted to be found.

The Day The President Waved to My Daughter At le...

The Day The President Waved to My Daughter

At least once a year we treat our children to a day in the city complete with a Broadway show and dinner out. We try to pack as much into the day as we can and yesterday was no exception. We were equipped with tickets to the Bodies Exhibit at the South Street Seaport and our day was well planned. It started fine with us parking our vehicle across from the theater and flagging down a cab. My husband put myself, my daughter and one son in cab with instructions to take us to the South Street Seaport. I began to get a little concerned as I overheard the cab driver repeat over and over into his headphones the words "south street seaport" along with a rapid flow of unrecognizable non-english words. My son whispered to me that we had just made a u-turn and proceeded in the opposite direction that my husband had informed me we had to go. A few minutes later my cell phone rang and the voice of my other son, the one who went with Dad, was earnestly asking where we were. I found out that they had already arrived leaving much after we had and beckoned the cab driver to tell me how much further. The meter already read the fair my husband said he paid to arrive at our destination and there was no seaport in sight out my window. After a few more tense minutes and an inordinate amount of traffic, the driver advised me that he had gone a different way than my husband had advised and we were now stuck behind a barricade because the president was in town. We had arrived at Battery Park and he told us to "pay the meter and get out and walk." Furious that I had not arrived anywhere near our destination and with my husband yelling in my ear to find another cab, I told the driver I would not get out of the cab without first speaking to a police officer. He flagged one over who told him he could have gone the other way to take me to the seaport, but a second policeman told me the walk really wasn't that bad. With that advise and direction we exited the cab but not without first giving this cab driver a piece of my mind. Along the way, I had read the "Passengers Bill of Rights" which was listed in the back of the cab. I was informed that I was entitled to a driver who knew the geography of the city,spoke in english and took me the most direct route possible. In my mind this driver failed on at least two counts. He took us the most round about way possible and should have known that the President was speaking in this part of town and avoided it at all costs. Instead, he drove us right into the blockade, charged us an exorbitant fee and failed to get us to our destination. I screamed that he should be ashamed of himself as he countered "It's not my fault." I literally threw him his fare without tip, and proceeded as directed through the park up to Pearl Street. I stopped a few knowing individuals on the street to make sure I was heading in the right direction and with my husband in my ear we proceeded up the block. Again we were stopped at the corner of Pearl and a block near Wall Street that I can't recall. We were unable to cross the street because the Presidential Motorcade was due any time now. Our 2:00 appointment loomed ahead as my husband and two other children headed toward us from Pearl street in the opposite direction. The police were annoyed because they were being yelled at by the pedestrians stuck in a holding pattern. Businessmen who ran out for lunch or coffee without coats were trying to keep themselves warm and of course we ended up right next to the loudest, filthiest mouth woman in the city. Trying to shield my child from her ranting we finally were granted a reprieve as the motorcade made its way down the road. Right in front of us was the presidential vehicle and waving to my little purple snowsuit girl was the President himself. Less than five minutes later we were on our way and met up with the rest of my family up the block. We made it to the exhibit by 2:00 and enjoyed a really fantastic day. We found a van cab to get us back to the theater district and with all six of us in the car it cost us half the price I paid to end up in Battery Park. Well, now I have learned that Pearl Street takes us right to Fulton Street. But my daughter now has a story to tell her her friends; which she promptly forgot to do her first day back at school!

A Secret Blogger Visited Me I had no idea my name...

A Secret Blogger Visited Me

I had no idea my name would be given to a secret blogger. As I was roaming the blogosphere as I do reading adoption blogs, I can across the Secret Blogger idea and became intrigued. I volunteered to cheer up someone in the throws of this delightful but stressful endeavor since I had gone through it myself. I had explained to the founders of the idea that I would be glad to be an encourager since now with 4 children living at home I am done with reproducing or adopting. Well this week I received an email and then an amazon e-card and gift card from my secret blogger. What an unexpected treat!! First, I only shop from Amazon.com in that I hate physically going shopping, and second I am a computer freak! Just ask my family. Thank you secret blogger pal. I can't wait to chat with you and share our experiences.

Secret Blog Pals Running through the blogasphere...

Secret Blog Pals

Running through the blogasphere is a new phenomena I discovered called Secret Blog Pals. In the adoption community this was developed by two bloggers to help encourage and keep the spirits up of all those embarking on this endeavor. It sounds like a wonderful idea and I opted to join in the fun this round. It is anonymous which tends to make communication with your blog pal a bit of a challenge. The idea is to encourage without being found out. Comments to the bloggers website and snail mail greetings are encouraged as I have been told emails from the accounts of others which cannot be traced back to you. I have some books I will be mailing my blog pal and hope that the anonymous comments I made on her site help her out. Since I am through with my adoption adventure I volunteered to merely be one who encourages. As you all know from reading this blog I am an ardent supporter of Adoption and will talk about it to anyone who will give me an ear!

I wish I could speak with my secret pal directly in that I know she has been going through a rough time and wish I could tell her my stories and perhaps give her some insight as to why certain things have happened to her. Anyone interested in getting involved can read about this at http://www.russianbrown.blogspot.com. And to my friend Jen http://threesons.clubmom.com/three_sons who is just returning with her Pineapple Princess this week....I am thinking of you girlfriend; Enjoy every crazy minute and be sure to document it all when you get back; you daughter will LOVE reading about it someday. Here is to all the secret blog pals out there; may all your dreams come true.....soon!

OH Oklahoma! What Were You Thinking?? The 10th C...

OH Oklahoma! What Were You Thinking??

The 10th Circuit Court of Appeals heard arguments examining the constitutionality of the Oklahoma Adoption Invalidation Law. The Act, passed in 2004, would ban state officials from recognizing a same-sex adoption. Same-sex couples anywhere with legally adopted children would lose their status as parents when inside Oklahoma. The United States District Court for the Western District of Oklahoma struck down the law in May, finding that the law "By its refusal to recognize and give effect to a valid judgment, from another court of competent jurisdiction, which established their status as parents of their respective children, the Amendment violates the Full Faith and Credit Clause of the United States Constitution, the Equal Protection Clause and substantive due process rights."
Interesting that Oklahoma feels it has the power to invalidate a law made by any state in the union. So this technically would mean that if a same sex couple and their children were involved in an auto accident while passing through the state of Oklahoma and all parties were rushed to a local hospital; the parents would have no authority to decide upon the children's medical treatment since in effect in the state of Oklahoma they are not legal guardians of these children but mere strangers! How absurd! If Oklahoma wants to ban same sex couple adoption the way Florida has, than so be it. It is there right to do so. However, as part of a union of united states, they DO Not have the right to invalidate any other states laws just because a party steps on their soil! It seems the Oklahoma state legislature and their governor who signed this into law think they are the rulers of their own fiefdom. Not so Oklahoma, as a resident of another state I am aghast at your gaul. If Oklahoma were to be allowed to get away with invalidating any other state's law what a mess this country will become. Each state will retaliate and nullify the state law of their choosing and people will be afraid to leave their own home state for fear of breaking the law of a sister state just by setting foot across a boarder. We are one country..Do you hear that Oklahoma?? Shame on you for instigating the start of another civil war. You have broken a Federal law with your arrogance and I'm sure you will be shot down. One Nation....Under God; Indivisible. It is your constitution too.